Do You Know?

Do You Know?

Do you know what happens
when time stops? All you
do is look outside that
hotel room and wonder. What
if I had been there faster
what if she hadn't swallowed
pills like skittles, her favorite
candy. What if she hadn't wished
to be gone because of what
I'd stupidly said to her.
What if I had one last chance
to tell her instead that I
loved her and not "get out,
you damn whore". Because of
course I didn't know then,
and I'm sitting here and
wondering what happened to that
fine day where we sat for
a summer picnic in late fall
where we ate sandwiches in
the cold. Where she told me
she wanted to know more about
me and I told her as much as I
could and she told me she loved
me and I said I loved her too.
Do you know what would have
happened now? Do you know if
she would have done what she
did? Because it's killing me
inside now. And I'm not sure
if what I can ever do now
can be so stupidly foolish as
that one stupid moment where
I couldn't lose control. I
just couldn't be perfect. I
just let up for one second.
Do you know what it was
about that one second?
About that split moment
where I doubted my love
for her? Because then all
those vows and hopes and
prayers and dreams and
quiet affection would
have meant nothing at all.
Do you know if that had
really meant nothing at all?