Sepia Letter (i)

I wanted to remember

I want to know you better.
What cheese. Honestly. But
Time changed us so fast
and before I knew it

The band was gone, and
my fat face changed.
One long plane ride.
Sanguine sausage fingers
roasted, properly bent.
I'm not sure I want to

look in the mirror.
I'm not sure I want to
see it that way.
All I have are these
videos in sepia because
my lemon peel dumpster
camera wanted
to take pictures in
sepia. It wasn't even that
long ago, the lens was
just weirdly yellow. When
did I leave it out and drop
it into my toilet?

I'm rambling now because
I want to know. I want
you to read this and tell
me why.  I'm sick. Coughing up
phlegm and mucus. Shaking.
I'm trying so hard
not to forget all those times
that weren't on that urine-soaked film.
When you didn't know why
life was. Ice cream meeting on a
rainy day or maybe full of sun.
Smile so radiant as to fill the sky.

It isn't me, it was you. How stupid,
that honeyed pot of jealousy,
washed out with
cold rage. That flow of
what I didn't understand.
Locked the doors and here we are
now gone. So yeah. Thanks.

I'm going to be angry. I'm going
to try to forget. I know I can't.
I'll wait for that sunrise again
knowing that clouds drift above
knowing that time may not.

Why didn't I know. What could
I have done. You changed. You changed
You changed. To gold. Midas and all that.
Did I? Well. I'm proud.
I'm proud. And yet all I can do
is wish it had been different.

I wish it had been different
I wish it was different
I wish it were different
I wish it would be a sunrise

I know it isn't. I know it won't.
All I can say is
Thanks. No. Not Thanks.
Thank you.
I'm not here
If you weren't here.
So I'll keep remembering you
in those dumb sepia videos.
I'll start looking for the sunrise
even on those cloudy awful days.
I'll start when I have the bravery
to wake up and open the curtains.
I'll start but I'm just not there yet.